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Forum posts for Heard This One?

Posted by phduffy on Mar 04, 2004
One day on the way to school, young johnny asks his recently divorced mom how old she is.
She gets very upset and says "Johnny! You don't ask a woman her age, it's not polite"
Johnny then asks her how much she weighs. "Johnny!!!! You don't ask a woman how much she weighs, it's not polite".

So Johnny goes to school, and at recess he tells his friend Billy what happened. Billy says "Oh Johnny, all you have to do is look at your mom's driver's license to get that stuff."

So Johnny goes home, and at dinner he says "Mom, you're 39 years old."
"How did you figure that out?" asks his mom.
"I just did" says Johnny. "And, you weight 140 pounds">
"Johnny! How do you know all this"
"I just do. And, I know why dad divorced you too."
"Mom, you only got an F in sex!"

Posted by phduffy on Mar 04, 2004
A local monastary is having some renovations done. Two of the nuns offer the construction workers some drinks. They then go inside to talk to the priest.

"Father" begins the first nun "Sister Mary Kate and I found some of the language being used outside somewhat offensive"

"Oh sisters, it's nothing to worry about. The people working for us are the type of people that call a spade a spade"

"No father" says the first num "They call it a fucking shovel!"

Posted by phduffy on Mar 04, 2004
A priest, a monk and a horse walk into a bar.

The bartender says "Hey, what is this, some kind of joke?"

Posted by phduffy on Mar 04, 2004
You ever notice how when geese fly they fly in a V, and one of the arms of the V is longer than the other? Do you know why that is?

There's more geese in it.

(Delivery is key to this one)

Posted by phduffy on Mar 04, 2004
Two horses are sitting at the bar having a conversation:

Horse 1:"But I think all existence is essentially meaningless, and we are doomed to forever follow or forebearers on this path to nothingness"
Horse 2:"I think that we are all guided by our own internal beliefs on a journey towards enlightenment"

The dog sitting next to them couldn't help but over hear, and he says:

"Gentlemen, do you not think that the universe regulates itself through its karmic nature?"

The first horse turns to the other horse and says "Holy shit, a talking dog!"

Posted by phduffy on Mar 04, 2004
I thought we were going to start a joke free for all!

Where are the jokes people!

Posted by Katie on Mar 05, 2004
the lead goose, who doesn't really belong to either of the arms, will drop to the back once he/she gets too tired to continue in the lead. Therefore one arm would have at least one extra goose on it, as the lead continues to rotate.

Posted by phduffy on Mar 05, 2004
That's what I said, only I said it funny. This is the joke thread.

Man walks into a bar. Ouch!!

Posted by Katie on Mar 05, 2004
I'm not funny.

I am serious.

And logical.

And once I read a book where a girl actually turned into a Canada Goose thanks to a kit she bought through a mail order catalogue, and that's how I know the complete real answer. She found it very hard to be the lead goose, and kept dropping back.

Interesting Point (although I was jsut a
Posted by phduffy on Mar 05, 2004
Now, for a joke:

Two men are sitting at a bar, slowly sipping their drinks.

After a while, the first man approaches the other man, and sits next to him. "This place is great, isn't it?" he asks.

The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies, "Why do you say that?"

The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The two of them walk over to a large window at the end of the room. The window faces out onto the street, 12 floors below.

"Here's why." The first man throws open the window, and boldly steps out into thin air. But he remains aloft!

"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing."

He floats back into the room. As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it.

The second man, skeptical, peers out through the window - down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up.

Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swallows, closes his eyes, and steps out into thin air. He promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.

The first man grins and returns to the bar. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.

"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

Posted by Palmer on Mar 05, 2004
Three legged dog walks into a saloon and says "Alright, which one of you shot my Pa?"

Posted by phduffy on Mar 05, 2004
Man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of whiskey.

The bartender says, "wow, why so much?"

"Well, I'm celebrating my first blowjob"

"Congratulations! Tell you what, why don't I buy you a 7th shot?"

"No offense sir, but if 6 shots don't get rid of the taste I don't think anything will"

That book.
Posted by mike on Mar 05, 2004
I think I have read that book. Only in the one I think I read it was a guy who ordered wings in the mail. I do remember something about flying with geese I think though.

Posted by Katie on Mar 08, 2004
too similar to be different. But I'm pretty sure that in my book the person (could have been a boy) started sprouting feathers and had to try to hide it from family and friends.

we need to find this book!

Posted by cosmicfish on May 09, 2004
you know what's funny?


Posted by phduffy on May 31, 2004
Here's a slightly racist joke I overheard at lunch.

According to a recent study, 1/3 of Germans are thinking about having sex when they're stuck in traffic.

The other 2/3s are thinking about invading France.