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Forum posts for Next Die Hard Movie

Posted by bryan on Oct 29, 2007

Posted by phduffy on Oct 30, 2007
This is awesome, but just to be clear, I did not write it. If you go to McSweeney's, you'll find a series of articles from Welding Enthusiast. This is by the same guy.

Posted by bryan on Oct 30, 2007
well posted.

Posted by phduffy on Nov 07, 2007
More from the same author:

Why is 7 afraid of 9?

Because 7 was an abusive alcoholic who liked to smack 6 around whenever 7 had had a few! However, 6 lacked the emotional and financial resources to leave 7, and thus grew to fear that 6’s life was in imminent jeopardy!

Posted by phduffy on Nov 07, 2007

I fucked that one up. Please ignore it.

Posted by phduffy on Nov 16, 2007
Okay, more from the same author:

Hi, I'm Betty White, star of The Golden Palace and Lake Placid
I'm here to talk to you today about a rare and devastating genetic disorder known as Gigantic Asshole Syndrome, or GAS."

(Betty is joined by a cute, but sickly-looking, freckle-faced little boy.)

"This is Timmy. He's six years old, and his asshole is more than thirteen inches in diameter. Doctors only normally see this kind of malformation in convicted pedophiles who've spent at least fifteen years in prison."

Timmy: "I just want to be able to ride a bike like the other kids."

"While there is no cure for GAS, for only pennies a day, Timmy's family can afford a scientific ultra-low-fiber diet, consisting of various cheeses and modeling clay. Please, won't you help? They say that opinions are like assholes: everybody has one, and nobody cares about anybody else's. It's time to start caring. You can't just ignore this problem and hope it goes away--you can't stick your head up your ass. Only Timmy can do that."

Paid for by the American Proctological Association.

Posted by phduffy on Nov 30, 2007
From the same author, bad pickup lines:

“If I said you had a beautiful body, would you come back to my apartment and repeatedly have intercourse with me?”

“Was your father an alien? Because, among people who are genetically fully human, it’s extremely rare to see breasts that size on someone with your overall body type, at least not without significant surgical enhancement.”

“Heaven must be missing an angel, because I just saw an imposing winged figure with a sword of fire plunge to Earth, ablaze like a comet. Also, the ground has opened up, and the dead are leaving their graves. You see that guy over there? I’m pretty sure he’s Stephen Foster, composer of ‘Oh! Susanna’ and ‘Camptown Races,’ who died in 1864. I believe all of these represent signs of Armageddon, as described in the Revelation of St. John. And since we are certain to be soon annihilated in the coming thousand-year battle between the forces of Christ and Antichrist, you should probably take the opportunity to live a little, and do things you normally wouldn’t. Like me.”

“If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U, I, A, E and O together. You know, have all the vowels right in a row. Because, if you think about it, the way they are now, they’re just sort of randomly jumbled throughout the alphabet, and I think my way would make a lot more sense. Anyway, I’m hard.”