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Forum posts for Bill Simmons Column Generator

Posted by phduffy on Aug 02, 2006
Okay, Sarah did one, but since she doesn't really know anything about sports, she got this awesomeness:

The Sports Guy Goes to an Auction

So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN2 and I see that Penelope Cruz had a great game. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Peter Griffin, that I dislike more than Penelope Cruz. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy RuPaul,' these two are neck and neck.

The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. Angry! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Penelope Cruz. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the Brad Garret from Everybody Loves Raymond of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Penelope Cruz caught a case of Explosive diarrhea at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Red Sox to the playoffs like Shrek on cocaine.

Bish points out that the chances that Penelope Cruz will come down with Explosive diarrhea in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.

Here is what we came up with:

4. Penelope Cruz receives a vicious clothes line from Mr. Potato Head in front of 40,000 fans jammed into The Faggy Mill.

(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when When the Leprechaun found his lucky charms? I don't even care if it was fake, that was Fantastic. That rivals when When the Jamaican bobsled team lost for 'Most Inspiration Non-Real Sports Moment 2006.)

3. Penelope Cruz is informed by his wife that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either Conan the Barbarian or Chevy Geo.

2. Penelope Cruz hangs scrapbook-style clippings of Brandon and Mr. Miagi in his locker and is immediately put on the DL.

1. Penelope Cruz meets Flava Flav from Flava of Love, falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming 'My Fair Yankee.'

After we finish with the conversation about Penelope Cruz we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Gumby is Sexy Memorial Baseball Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.

Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy baseball team. That's like getting picked up by Eva Longora and going back to her place, only to find out that Mr. Gangbang is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?

However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Naked Monopoly with Cookies' and 'Aunt Jamima's Shiny a hookers as potential team names, we settle on 'The Mighty Mighty Toefucks.'

The thing that-s exciting about this league is that it's an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey.

Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the whipped guy does not have to get effed up the a, and that's your date. Finding the whipped-guy-can-make-it date is crucial for auction success. (speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch Simple Minds perform songs by Annie Portinastorm while I stroking? Though that would be cool.)

Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have their auction in a The cock pit. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be I'm coming! and have an extremely sore undefined after four hours.

No, the auction must be held in someone-s house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has a Tetris arcade game, but owner B has a case of lakeport. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a 'Fuck you.' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be in licking armpits, and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.

I will not be sharing with you my player ratings for this coming season-after all, chris moneymaker doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the communism of fantasy sports.

It's also like a Breathing. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':

Round One-hit hard

Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the the Kitchener Kumquats? Do they have a tendency toward whining? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like toe nail clippings

Here is a good place to test people by chucking out a few names of guys you-d never want on your team-aging, oft-injured players, like Ima Stupidhead , or over-hyped rookies that will never pan out like Mango.

Everyone is going to get some good players at this point, so make sure you don-t overpay and find yourself begging for money like Turtle asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.

Round Two-Have a Sense of psychology

In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a player. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your Catra-She-Ra in She-Ra: Princess of Power moment, and you need to decide what to do.

Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid $0.01 for Dennis Rodman, you know you'll get him, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like Krum Bum? Or are you Mr. Tiddlywinks, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.

Round Three-Moving Day

Hour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of The British Open. You need to shoot a par. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the players that, while less voluptuous, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as Mrs. Fields in a My parents service.

Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of future stars, injury-risk players, and RuPaul, you'll be okay.

Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit

By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become long. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are the Earl of All Trivia and that is that.

In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'I like to be dominated' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like volcanoe, screaming incomprehensible things like Columbo Mumbojumbo and threatening to bites if they do not get their way.

Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.

'Run Forrest, run'

Onion Sports
Posted by jenn_in_ireland on Aug 03, 2006
Paul, I think you already read The Onion, but here's a link to their sports page anyway. It has some funny stuff which is probably funnier if you actually like sports.